Going Postal
by Platapuss
Summary: Summary: Hiei is outraged! Elephant Seals should NOT be giving birth on TV! Hiei has snapped.
1. Elephant seals

_Summary: Hiei is outraged! Elephant Seals should NOT be giving birth on TV!

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_

A human female gardening, "Boring." Hiei lazily flicked from channel to channel on Kurama's TV.

A high speed car chase on the highway, "Boring." He yawned and scratched his crotch, there was absolutely nothing on the noise box!

A bridge blowing up, "Seen it."

A demon slicing a man's head off, "**Done** that."

A ninjen male cooking some type of pastry, "Boring."

"What!" Hiei stopped at one station called _'PBS_.' There were fuzzy humanoid demon children running about on a grassy knoll. One was purple, the others green, yellow and red.

Hiei squinted his eyes and scrutinized the scene before him. "Perhaps some type of human experiment?" Why else would the purple creature being carrying a red hand bag? Only humans did that, and pure humans certainly were **not** purple with antennas and televisions sticking out of their abdomens

"Only a human would place a _Tee-Vee'_ in a creatures abdomen." Thoroughly disgusted with the audacity of the human race, Hiei began to listlessly change the channels again. He frowned, his ass was starting to get numb from sitting on it for so long.

"What time is it?" Hiei looked over to the digital clock in the corner, 1:16 pm. _'hmm_..' He rubbed his chin dramatically, "Kurama left at 9:00, which means," Hiei counted the hours on his fingers, "I have been watching this machine for four hours!" He rubbed his chin again and glared accusingly at the television.

"It seems that I am becoming more and more like the humans." It would be best if he got off his ass to do something else before they brain-washed him.

**Pause.**

"nah."

Hiei clicked onto one of the news stations hopefully, the humans were always getting themselves in dangerous predicaments. Maybe something had blown up in one of their cities?

Hiei balled his fists excitedly waiting for the news caster to speak.

The man was balding and grey haired. He wore a blue suit, and had a very expressionless face, "and today in Brazil 35,000 people were killed in a 150 car pile up after an airplane **exploded**-"

"YES!" Hiei shouted. Finally something interesting had happened!

**"-**sending debris crashing down onto the interstate highway. Experts say that the crash was caused by an air leak in the fuel tanks-"

"Blah Blah Blah same old same old," Just as he was quick with everything else, Hiei was quick to get bored. **Again**.

His interest perked when a strange blond women came running out onto the screen. She was dressed in nothing but her underwear. "¡El día de juicio! The judgment has come!" she shrieked. "We must cleanse our souls¡Castigo divino!" She was quickly tackled to the ground by two uniformed men.

"HA!" Hiei chuckled uncontrollably, humans were so hilarious!

"No resista por favor la falta!" The men started beating the women with wooden sticks.

"No! No me gusta! Stop, please!"

"Hahahaa!" Hiei cackled and rolled over, accidentally changing the program to the Discovery Channel.

"what the, hey- WOAH!" Hiei looked up to see something he definitely was not expecting to see.

In front of his poor virgin eyes was a large blubbery creature so grotesque it made Hiei cringe. The creature was spluttering and panting out of a snout inflated like a balloon. That nose... Big huge and bulbous, shaking as if it had a life of it's own. The thing roared sending ripples down it's fatty side, and excreted a large amount of filmy liquid from a large hole in it's ass. If you could call it an ass. The thing was shaped like a giant fatty shrimp with tiny hands that flapped wildly at it's sides.

Hiei did the only thing an A-class demon of his caliber could do.

"EEEW!"

Hiei cringed and scooted further back into the sofa, shielding himself behind some pillows. "Tiny hands are Ugly!"

The creature roared again and a human man began to whisper something, "-and now we see the female elephant seal in the throws of labor. Watch as she contracts again. Beautiful." Curiosity over came the fire demon and he peaked out from behind his shield.

His eyes widened, how was it possible for the animal to become even more hideous? It bucked it's shrimp-like body upward, rippling the fat even more, and this watery black thing started to emerge from the hole.

"uuhhhh.." The image reminded him strangely of the taffy stuff Kuwabara ate.

The elephant seal, Hiei remembered that was what the human had called it, mooed and grunted and finally shoved out the squirming shrieking _'thing'_ with a victorious grunt.

"-aren't we lucky to have seen the miracle of birth today. Watch as the cow cleans off her calf."

"NO! I'm not lucky to have seen this today thank you very much!" Hiei argued with the human man, "Disgusting humans! Is that it's child?" Indeed the snaking black form covered in afterbirth was the baby elephant seal. The mother scooted over and began to clean off the after birth, eating some of it as she did.

"NO! UHHH don't touch it! Ah! what, now your going to eat it?" Hiei retched, he could only imagine how disgusting that must taste, after all it had come out of some being's ass! A Fat ass at that! Hiei turned off the TV and chucked the clicker at the wall.

How could humans be so disgusting? He would make them pay for scaring his mind with such indecencies! Though that meant he would have to keep watching until the humans revealed their location to him.

And so Hiei the great fire demon watched until the, "Elephant Seal's: From conception to birth," documentary was over. By the time it was Hiei was sure he'd never be able to eat shrimp or taffy ever again.  
-  
"Dam it! They live in England! Stupid ningen's! You are so lucky I can't get to you!" Hiei shouted and stomped his feet several times in frustration. Being on probation sucked. "I will rip your throat out through your ass If ever I see you human!"

"Fine, I will have to seek another means to exact my revenge on you, **Geff-er-y Lou-is**." Hiei stated, his words dripping with malice.

After several minutes of careful thinking, he settled on one plan of action. The fire demon let his feet carry him to Kurama's bedroom door and he let himself in, getting hit by a blast of rose scented air as he did so. "Gah! Kurama!" Hiei choked and sputtered on the thick scent polluting his air passages. "It's too much!" Hiei pulled his collar up over his nose and breathed in heavily, "ahhh" He sighed in satisfaction then started to rummage through his friend's things.

Once he found what he was searching for, Hiei held the object over his head victoriously. The demon smirked, "Perfect."

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_yay chapter uno! I have absolutely no idea where this fic is going so bare with me! I have some random ideas so far but no real plot line. Guess it's gunna' be one of those huh? The object was a pen. Muyahaha_


	2. Foxy's got stamps

When Kurama got home from work he wasn't expecting Hiei to still be at his house. Usually the demon would only stay over during storms and such, then leave the next morning. But that was over 12 hours ago! Kurama found the little fire apparition sitting at his kitchen table, immersed in writing something. A ransom note, or death threat most likely. 

"Hiei what are you doing?"

"I'm writing a letter fox, what does it look like?" Hiei grunted and continued to write.

"No I mean why are you still here, in my house? And what's the letter for?" Kurama peered over the smaller boys shoulder to get a better view.

"I'm still here because I have nothing better to do. So stop peering over my shoulder and let me get back to work!"

Kurama snatched the letter out from under Hiei and began to quickly read it,

_To one Geffery Louis,_

_I accuse you of ruining my life forever and completely. On the cause that I was tricked into watching your documentary on the disgusting beings you call, Elephant Seals. Never again will I be able to eat Taffy of look at another shrimp without retching, gagging, or vomiting! I demand that you never show that disgusting piece of human filth on the T V machine or I will kill you. You will be hurt in the most painful of ways!_

_Signed, The murdering, thieving_ **Hiei**

Kurama finished reading and raised one of his perfectly sculpted brows skeptically at his partner. Had Hiei completely lost it? He already knew that the fire demon had a bad, monstrous, temper, but threatening a television show? That was new. "Really Hiei this isn't your style. Threats, in letters? I think you need to get out more."

"Shut the hell up Kurama!" Hiei grabbed the letter out of Kurama's hands, coddling it safely in his arms. "since I cannot leave this wretched city I must resort to other means of revenge!"

Kurama frowned and crossed his arms, "you know I don't think I knew you could write either.."

The demons eye twitched. "Are you even listening to me fox? I need my revenge." He got right up into the humans face and shook his fist.

Kurama jumped back sensing Hiei's ki rise. "Now now, " putting his hands up defensively, "No need to get violent Hiei." Kurama patted the short boys head. "What type of revenge is it Hiei? What did this Geffery person do to you **exactly**. What's the damage **seriously**?" He waited.

Hiei shifted in his seat. "There was a documentary... and I... I was very disgusted with it that's all."

Kurama chuckled. "You serious? A human grossed you out? This is unbelievable, I need to see it."

"Kurama this is no laughing matter!" The fire demon shouted angrily and pounded his fist on the table, cracking it slightly. "My pride is at stake!"

Ever the quick thinker Kurama realized that his kitchen table was in the line of fire. He must agree to help the little fireball or else he'd be spending his Friday at Bob's Furniture, battling with salesmen. "Fine how can I help you with your dilemma"

Apparently appeased, Hiei growled and sat back down, mumbling something under his breath. Yet to even Kurama's delicate ears it sounded like, "_I doughnut get off of us."_

Foxy's face contorted, "You want some doughnuts Hiei?" Well it could be possible, maybe some sweets would make him feel better? After all depressed people seemed to eat allot.. Maybe it was the same with Hiei?

The shorter man growled, "I DON'T know how to get THE PAPER to GEFFERY LOUIS."

"OOOOOOOOHHH! I thought you needed some doughnuts. You know mumbling is really a bad habit, you shouldn't do it." Kurama really meant, "tsk tsk, bad boy!"

Hiei ground his teeth impatiently. So what if he had bad manners! Screw it, he wanted revenge Dam it!

"Lucky for you my friend," Hiei looked up from the table hopefully, "I have stamps."

* * *

Hiei stared in awe at the array of papers before him. "You sly fox you this is perfect! Surely with all this postage I will be able to exact my revenge on the human!" He rubbed his hands together expectantly, he could hardly wait.

They were stationed in Kurama's study. Hiei sat at the table working with all the postage and Kurama at the computer researching Geffery Louis's address.

Kurama typed in the film makers name. "Yes, I can be very formidable when need be Hiei." The browser opened to some links and he clicked on one, smiling after finding what he'd been looking for.

"**BING**!" Hiei looked up from his work and to Kurama.

"Was that you just now?"

"My pies done!" Kurama jumped up from his chair, knocking it over as he did so. "Hiei write down his address will you?" Then raced off to the kitchen to get his pastry.

Hiei placed the letter into an envelope, surprisingly Hiei had very neat handwriting, peeled off the stamps and stuck them on. He then went over to the computer.

"153 Winston place, Wells England. I have you now scum!" Hiei was about to write down the address when an add popped up.

_'Click here for a free i pod!'_

Hiei frowned, "no thank you," and another add popped up.

_'You may be eligible to win free tickets to Snaft Dogg's new concert!'_

"I don't care about you're Snaft Dogg." **Click**.

_'Get a six pack in just 12 days!'_

Hiei was so annoyed, "No! I don't care about your ninjen merchandise! I just want my dam revenge!" He clicked no.

The add popped up again. "No dam it!" It went away, until...

_"oo Buy free videos. Click on me!"_

"ARRGGHH! Fine! I will click _'Yes'_ to appease you!" Hiei clicked _yes_ and right away was bombarded by porno adds. Dozens of women were shaking their boobs and asses in the fire demons face.

"_oo Download 12 percent complete. oo soo much fun."_ said a sultry sexy feminine voice.

Hiei shrieked like a girl and bolted upright. "AH! Kurama their are ninjen females attempting to seduce me on your computer!" The demon dashed into the kitchen and began to tug on the hem of his friends sleeve. "Kurama! ninjen females attempting to seduce me on your computer!"

Kurama froze. "What?"

"Humans Kurama, Seducing me fox!"

"on my.. computer?" Kurama's mind slowly began to piece two and two together. "With boobs right?"

"Yes."

"OHGODYOUGOTPORNOONMYLAPTOP!" Mr. Foxy Fox cried and sprinted for his study.

**Two hours later.**

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"Lick it Hiei." 

"Lick it yourself!"

"I shouldn't have to! Now lick it mister!" The fox demon thrust the envelope under Hiei's nose. Kurama grinned maniacally, "You lick it now!"

Clearly taken aback the shorter man took the paper from his friends waiting hand and leaned back, and away from Kurama. "But why can't you? I wrote it after all."

Kurama's face started to turn red. 'oh crap!' Hiei could have sworn he saw a neck vein pulsate. "Because Hiei," the fox hissed through clenched teeth, "I just spent TWO HOURS WIPING PORN OUT OF MY MAINFRAME! Now you lick the dam envelope or I'm forcing you the hard way!"

Hiei shuddered, "Hn." he replied trying to maintain his masculinity. Then licked it. "UUHHH! IT'S DISGUSTING!" Hiei pursed his lips, squinted his eyes, and stuck his tongue out.

"LICK IT!"

"I DON'T WANNA!"

"DO IT!" Kurama leapt up from the computer and grabbed hold of the demons shoulders.

Hiei licked it again, tears welling up in his eyes. "IT'S HORRIBLE!"

"FINISH IT!"

"NO!" The great Hiei twisted in his chair and spat on the floor.

"LICK IT!"

"I HATE YOU!" He cried and finished the deed, sealing his letter within the envelope.

Kurama released his death grip on his friend and sighed. He walked over to the panel on his wall and turned off the light, finally after hours of bickering he could get some sleep. He yawned and waited for Hiei to follow.

"You staying in there all night?"

**Silence**

"Hiei?"

"...Beer and chips." Kurama looked taken aback by the sudden request.

"For what?"

"We must celebrate with for and drink! Beer and chips." Kurama peered about in the dark room. From his vantage point in the hall he couldn't see the pesky demon.

"Hiei where are you?" There was a shuffling, then the man in question appeared in front of Kurama.

"Why don't you ever listen? Go get us some celebratory snacks Fox! Revenge is a dish best served cold, and Beer is cold!"

"HAVE YOU CRACKED? You Go to bed now!" Kurama shoved Hiei back into his study and slammed the door.

"But Kurama the chips-"

"I said Go to BED!"

**Pause...**

"Can I have a pillow?"

**Crickets chirping**

"..Kurama?

**Crickets still chirping**

"Kur-Kurama you there?"

**Crickets keel over and die.

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**

_Yeah that chapter just **Looks** long, really it's all useless ".."'s and random dialog. Lalalalalaa The reason why they aren't a couple in this fic is because I didn't feel like adding in more description and words than I had too. And make some of the yaoi ppl mad.. yes.. evil._


	3. Dumbass

_Oh look an author note before the chapter! only one left.._

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Hiei snorted and twitched his arm as he slept. His body was sprawled out on the study table, his face drooling on Kurama's keyboard. "mmnnarf.." There was a loud bang and he awoke with a start. 

"hu-What?" Hiei jumped and rolled off the table knocking his forehead off the desktop on the way down. "AAHCK! My head!" The little demon rubbed his head and looked around. How had he gotten here? He snorted and wiped drool of his cheek, "Kurama."

Hiei stumbled groggily over to the door and flung it open. He put one foot foreward, then another, then BAM! The little demon had tripped and landed face first on the carpet. "grrrkura mumm evil.." He growled into the floor before rising to see what had 'attacked' him.

A plate of cookies!

"Yummy!" The little man started selfishly stuffing his face, he picked up a note beside the plate and began to read it.

Hiei this is from Kurama obviously, but yah never know. I've gone to work already, I left you soem money so you can mail your letter to Geffery. Go to the post office and do exactly what they say! No fighting now, ta ta.

At the bottom of the letter Kurama had drawn a little picture of a chubby Hiei strangling a secretary with a big X through it.

Hiei beamed. "Allways thinking of me Fox! Perfect, as soon as I'm done with this plate of food I will take your money and my package down to the 'Post Office'." He finished his cookies, cinimon raison, and hurried to get his things together. Little Hiei was so excited! He wondered what the look on Geffery Louis's face would be like when he red his letter.

Fearful hopefully, shocked maybe, if Hiei's luck held out maybe Geffery would cry! Too bad he'd never find out. Hiei opened a second story window with a pouty scowl on his face. "I bet he cry's too." After vaulting out the window and landing on the ground, determined as ever, he took off in the direction of the bus stop.  
-----------

He flitted from tree top to building top as he made his way through the city, landing gracefully on a moving bus top to rest.

"hmm lets see.." Hiei's crimson eyes scanned the streets for any sign of a Post office. "ah ha!" He spotted one up ahead, even better was that the bus seemed to be heading in that direction. The fire demon smirked and relaxed ont he moving vehicle. He figured, Why not lay back and let the humans do the work for him?

"Look mommy that little troll is surfing!"

SCREACH! BAM! "Ofoof!"

The buss slammed to a halt as a rouge car skidded into it's lane. Bumpers collided and jerked passengers around in their seets, sending one in particular flying 50 into near by traffic. To all passrbys it looked like some type of giant furby or troll had just attempted it's first flight.

Hiei landed in a heap on the pavement, amidst startled gasps and braking cars. "Demons! Run!" People started to scatter in all directions.

"Demons? Where!" Hiei scrambled up excitedly, eyes twinkling, ready for a fight.

"Oh my look at the poor child is he alright?"

"Little boy, Little boy?" Some lady waved to him from behind the wreckage of cars he'd caused, "are you ok little man?"

Hiei whipped around and snarled at the humans, "What are you looking at! you all-"

BAM! "EEEEK!"

Hiei squealed and jumped to the side, just in time to miss beign hit by a red Subaru. "Stupid ape's! You've no sence of direction!" He shook his fist at the driver and was gone in a flash mumbling about 'flesh bags' or something to that effect.

Hiei trudged angrily up the front steps to the post office. Today so sucked so much ass! "uhh." Hr shuddered and remembered the seal's rippling bucking sides. "uhh." He walked through the clear glass doors and looked on in awe.

There were like 50 people waiting in line!

"Sun of a bitch."

A very bony skinny tall man whipped around prseeing a finger to his pale lips, "SHHH!"

Hiei twitched. He didn't need some twig of a man telling him what to do! "He-" He was shoved from behind by a large women in purple tights, her pooch jiggled.

"Go on, move foreward! some of us have places to go." she frowned and nodded to several other middle aged women. they nodded in agreement.

"Teenagers think they have all the time in the world." Hiei scowled and stepped ahead. 'dam tubs of lard!' "But I'm not a teenager!"

"MOVE FOREWARD NOW!" She roared, spewing saliva.

"EEP!" The fire demon jumped and glided ahead.

He squinted his eyes and murmured, "Kurama says no fights. No fights he says no violence. Don't cause trouble Hiei the humans won't like it. nanananaa!" Crimson eyes flashed and the demon crossed his arms, trying to contain his explosive temper. 'devivering the letter is all the counts right now.'

After an hour of waiting in that stupid line, and hour of listening to human bickering, coughing, shifting, shuffleing, and sneezing,...fartinghe was finally the first in line. Hiei sighed in relief, rolled his shoulders, and stepped up to the counter.

"Next." Said a shrill vioce, which happened to be radiating out of the platnum blond behind the counter.

"I'd like to mail this letter-" Hiei started but never finished, the women held up her hand and snatched up the letter.

"Now hold on! You've got to let me inspect it first!" Her bubblegum snapped and popped in her mouth. The noise made the fire demons skin crawl. She poked and prodded his letter for several minutes then finally acepted Hiei's money.

"Wow a letter to england? Wow That's really far away. Who's is for?"

"A... shifty eyes Buisness associate."

"Wow. To england, wow. It's 59.62 That sure is alot of money for one letter. You paying?"

'WHO THE HELL ELSE SI PAYING YOU SNIVELING WENCH!' Hiei twitched violently and clenched his fingers. 'must not decapitate!'

"Sure why not." ding Ding ding! The cash register wouldn't open.

"I'm sorry it's jammed let me get the tool box." Hiei tapped his foot annoyed ont he white lenolium tiles. TAP TAP TAP

"Just forget it! I want to mail my letter already! Keep the dam change!" Bubblegum lady's jaw dropped, and a redness started inching it's way up her face. she chucked the metal yellow toolbox and the wall and shook her fists.

"The nerve! Fine have you dainty letter! Put it in the yellow box over there! Next! NEXT NEXT NEXT NEXT NEXT!" The tool box came crashing down to the ground narrowly missing the lady's head, but she didn't seem to notice. Busy screamign and what-not.

Hiei grumbled and took his letter, walking over to the mail box as he did so. "hehehee." the fire demon began to cackle with anticipation.

"hhehahhHAHAHA!" He started to laugh meniacly. Needless to say he was getting strange stares from the other customers, and the blond secretary was 'this close' to calling for security.

Thinking quickly, Hiei did shifty eyes.

"YOUNG MAN! WHAT IS YOUR AILLMENT!" Said the fat lady with the purple pooch.

Shifty eyesHiei stuffed his hands in his pockets and slowly began to back out of the building. He flashed the most friendly, whitest, toothist grin he could muster up. He kinda looked like one of those deep sea angler fish, with the spikey teeth? YES!

"It's just... I'm so happy! twitchI love the Postal office!" He slammed intot he glass doors."I uhh.."

Hiei twirled his cape around him like dracula and ran out the doors calling, "HIEI! AWAY!"

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a/n ...? ... yeeaaaah... RIIIIGHT...?...Based on real experiences and such. Seriously.


	4. Jewels

A very handsome red-headed man frowned and clenched the arm of his sofa. The expression was quite unbecoming on him really, it only sullied his beautiful visage. He sat regally with his legs crossed, and had the most perfect posture. His hair was fiery perfection. Truly he was an elegant creature, one of a kind, not to be angered with the trivial disturbances of society. 

"GOD DAMMIT HIEI YOU FUCKING DUMBASS! I TOLD YOU NO FIGHTING! NO ALERTING THE PUBLIC YOU BUMBLING BAFOON!" It is a sad thing when elegance is lost.

There in front of him on the television screen was a scene of Hiei soaring off the top of a city bus. Landing, and causing, a huge traffic jam and several crashes to boot.

"Channel 5 news is here on sight, Lisa Stalton reports that a small teenage boy was street surfing on this local city bus, when a little boy ran in front of it chasing his ball. the bus screeched to a halt sending the small man flying into ongoing traffic. Views can only say that he seemed very annoyed and miraculously unharmed.."

Kurama frowned and crossed his arms, "Always with the chasing balls!"

"This is an eyes witness-"

"He looked like a fuzzy furby shooting off the bus like a torpedo! He screamed and landed with this black cape! So cool!"

Kurama flicked off the TV, "Oh you are in BIG trouble when you get here Mr"  
----  
Hiei burst triumphantly through the Minamino's door and swaggered in. "Kurama!" he called, "Today is a good day indeed, you there?" Hiei walked into the kitchen smelling the scent of cooking food. "Woah uhh Fox.." The demon stammered and ran his hand through his hair. This was quite unusual!

Kurama wore a frilly blue lacey apron and was furiously stirring a sizzling something in a pot over the stove. He had his hair up high in a bun with a pink scrunchie and had daisy printed pot holders on his hands. G-I-R-L-Y

Kurama looked up and growled, shaking his spoon at the fire demon. "I told you no trouble! And what did you do! STUPID TROLL!"

Hiei stood his ground and chose to ignore the irate fox's outburst. "Don't nag me your not my mother! Why are you dressed like a middle aged house wife?"

"I'M COOKING DINNER NOW SIT DOWN!" He did as he was told and a plate of steaming spaghetti was placed before him. There was strange white powder dusted on the top.

"You trying to poison me fox!" This was outrageous! Betrayed! Hiei reached for his sword.

"BITCH SLAP!" Hiei's face formed a huge **O **and he felt his head whip backwards. Before he could react his head was shoved from behind and face forcibly shoved into the plate.

"coughthouuckcu!" He cried trying to breathe through the spaghetti in his mouth and sauce in his nose. Kurama grinned and shoved his face further into the plate, making the sauce ooze out over the sides of the dish.

"It's cheese Hiei so enjoy the meal! Are you enjoying it? ARE YOU? This is what you get for causing chaos!"

The demon burst out of his noodle filled prison and leaped up onto the table, pointing an index finger rudely in his friend face." They had it coming, besides..I can feed myself Yoko!"

Kurama stared, ever annoyed. His friends face was covered in red sauce, and there were noodles dripping off his ears, there was some cheese stuck in his hair too. Emerald eyes followed and drop of sauce as it ran off the fire demons nose and land on the table. Speaking of table, Hiei was getting noodley feet prints on his freshly washed table!

"Sit down, and give me that! I'm sure it's not yours." He snatched at a lumpy protrusion by Hiei's waist.

"Kurama that it's mine don't touch!" Hiei slapped the offending hand away.

"That is not for you, it is for someone else! How many people did you have to hurt before your need was satisfied!"

"Only a few fox! It's in my nature now leave my Jewels alone!"

Kurama hissed and grabbed Hiei's shirt, shaking free the bag of stolen goods. Honestly! How could someone not notice the huge ass lump on his stomach? What would they think he had tumors? "As I thought! Hiei you Saucy fellow! You pulled a heist. I will see these returned later."

Hiei touched his face, "Yes I suppose I am saucy.."

They both sat down, Hiei began stuffing his face rather sloppily. Kurama strummed his fingers on the table impatiently, "I wanted to tell you about the surprise." He explained no further, leaving Hiei to wonder.

He looked up from his now polished plate, quite unlike his face, and licked his nose. Nose licking is a practiced art, it takes much talent. "Hn. I hate surprises Fox."

Suichi grinned from ear to ear, "It's about the letter! And Geffery Louis!"

If at any time in Hiei's privileged life her were to ever see a glowing golden halo, this was the moment. "Kurama your perfect! Tell me friends what did you do? Poison? Was it poison? Please tell me it was poison!"

Kurama leaped up and clasped hand with the smaller man, "It was! It was!" He nodded fervently, still grinning ear to ear.

Hiei's eyes glowed. "Even if he doesn't cry he'll die! Oh god I hope he cries! Tell me what did you use? TELL TELL!"

"Anthrax!"

Hiei stared confused, this was foreign to him. _Shifty eyes_ "Genius."  
----------------

Geffery Lewis whistled a happy tune and leaped out of bed. Today was another brilliantly perfect day in England! "Good morning sun!" Geffery waved tot he glowing ball of gas and it peaked over the horizon. He quickly pulled on his clothes and hurried to the door. the post would arrive soon!

"Hello Post man! Good morning!" A little over enthusiastic, but that was how Geffery lived.

"Good morning to you as well." Said the post man, just as he was about to put the mail in an Elephant seal shaped mail box. "I'll just leave these with you eh?"

Geffery smiled and scanned the bills for any sign of fan mail. YES! There it was a letter from Japan, Geffery loved his fans. Every time they sent him a letter he was enthralled, it wasn't often though. He could understand their shyness.

"mail mail mail mail.." He hummed and went to his kitchen to drink his coffee and read his mail. He opened his 'Fan mail' and read,

_**To one Geffery Louis,**_

Blah blah **ruining my life** blah blah blah. Dribble drabble yada yada **documentary **blah **disgusting** blah blah, **Elephant Seals**. Something whatever **Taffy** Useless words nothing important blah **vomiting**! **I demand that you never show that disgusting piece of human filth on the T V machine or I will kill you**. Yada blah **painful ways**!

**Signed,** stupid person blah **Hiei**

Geffery Louis had never been so offended in his life. He could feel them now, the tears welling up in his eyes. He would not cry! He would not! Grown men never cried, no matter how insulted they felt.

"WAH!" He yowled and beat his fists against his table, eyes pouring rivers. Half way across the world a certain fire demons wishes came true.

* * *

_a/n Yeah so that's the end. I've actually seen a 3 foot mail box shaped like a sea lion, that's where I got the idea for **that**._


End file.
